All that I am
by JoJo1
Summary: Logan's telling someone what his life's been like.


Archiving: Ask first and I'll say yes.  
Disclaimer: I don't believe in capitalism. Some people beg to differ but they're clearly delusional.  
Feedback: If you're so inclined.  
Authors notes: Terri's "Winter in Banff" is to blame for this. A part of the author's notes anyway so  
don't waste your time thinking Terri wrote this. A part of "Guess the author" week of DDFH.  
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Logan POV  
  
It had to happen eventually and now the time has come. For all my strength I was unable to stop it  
from happening. I knew that all along but tried to not think of it, or deny it may be a better  
way of calling it. I'm usually not the kind of guy that beats around the bush over something  
no matter how unpleasant so I'll just call it what it is.  
  
Death. There, that didn't hurt that much to say did it? No, not to say it but the concept of  
death is still scaring. It didn't used to be but then again, I was a different man back then.  
A man that didn't care much about anything. I won't even dignify myself by calling my past  
me a man. I was an animal, plain and simple.  
  
When I first met Charles Xavier and his students and fellow X-men I had been living for the  
day for the past 15 years. That in itself makes you less likely to listen to the human parts  
of you. At least it was for me. Logan was more often than not buried deep down underneath  
the rougher Wolverine part of me. But that's not all.  
  
What I've told very few people is that the first five of those 15 years I was quite literally  
living like an animal. I didn't even know I was a human. No, I was running around in the  
forests up in Canada naked and killing my prey with the claws and then eating it raw. Yup,  
it's disgusting but that's how I was.  
  
I don't remember much of those days and quite frankly I don't want to. I do however remember  
that as soon as I caught scent of humans I hid as well as I could. Eventually though I was  
discovered. By one of the hunters roaming the woods. I was almost dead by that time thanks  
to a very nasty winter. Anyway, he brought me home to this little cabin he and his wife had  
in the outskirts of the forrest. They brought me back from the brink of death and nurtured  
me and generally took care of me until I was healthy again. They didn't stop there however.  
I don't know how they managed but they broke through the protective shelter I had built around  
myself and brought out the man in me. There aren't many people around that would do that to  
a complete stranger, not to mention a complete stranger with a violent streak. But they did.  
Some of the most compassionate people I've ever known and that I'm happy to be able to call  
friends.  
  
They're dead now. About three years after they helped me so much the fuckers that did those  
alterations to me found out where I was and in their attempts to capture me they got killed.  
Caught in the crossfire so to speak. Figuratively speaking of course. The truth is that they  
were brutally murdered. The fuckers saw that they meant a lot to me and took advantage of that,  
hoping that their death would make me an easier target. They should have known better. It only  
made me lose control and went berzerk on them.  
  
Is it any wonder that I'm a violent person quite often? I don't think so. Of course, being who  
I was back then I didn't think much of it but the years since then has made me realize that I  
was sort of meant to be violent. If it's by the hand of God or nature or whatever I don't know but a  
mutation like mine isn't good for much else than fighting. I have claws for crying out loud, sharp  
beyond belief even without metal covering them. What else can they have been meant for if not as  
a tool of killing and fighting for ones own survival? Same thing with my healing factor. Comes in  
really handy for a killer or killer to be.  
  
After my friends got killed I got more careful. In more than one way. First of all, I began to roam  
the country to avoid detection for as long as I could. Worked really well for the most part. I  
ran into the killing squad every now and then but they never got the upper hand. Moreover, I  
started to rebuild my wall. Not by going back to my animal self but by not letting people come close  
to me again.  
  
That worked for some years until...well, you all know the story of how I met Marie, Xavier and the  
rest of the X-men so I won't bore you to tears with that.  
  
Things changed during those intense days. Back then I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.  
Anyway, they changed me. Not instantly but that was when it all started. They made me  
realize that there's no real substitue for geniune friendship and caring for other  
people.  
  
When Magneto had been defeated and I had recovered I bolted out of there anyway. Well,  
I didn't know that the change had started but still. I ran. Now I think I ran because  
my subconscious didn't want to put people in danger because they're close to me. Close  
as in living nearby eachother at least.  
  
That's part of it at least. There's two other reasons. One is becuase Xavier kept  
his promise. He did find some leads to my past and it would have just been  
rude to ignore it after all the trouble he had had in finding out. The other  
reason's Marie.  
  
I've never cared for someone as much as I've cared for her and it would just have killed  
me if she had been hurt because of me. Either becuase of someone from my past coming back  
to haunt me or because of who and what I am. I had already hurt her once by accident and  
that's a feeling I never want to experience again.  
  
This little story of mine is getting long-winded isn't it? I'll speed it up a little.  
  
I stayed away for about a year or two before returning. Maybe more. You don't keep count  
of time as much when you age as slowly as I do. Why did I return? Well, several reasons  
really. One was that I wasn't all that comfortable with being on my own all the time  
anymore. I rather missed the geeks as I had called them. And most importantly, I had  
come to realize that what I felt for Marie was more than caring. If it didn't sound so  
corny I would call it love at first sight even if I refused to acknowledge that.  
  
I'm still making this longer than necessary. Turned out the feeling was mutual. Sure,  
Jeannie had told me she had a crush on me but I had thought that had passed by that  
point. It had. It had become something much deeper than that.  
  
The people around us had some misgivings about that at first. Some of them at least.  
They thought that I was too old for her, too gruff and too unreliable and more.  
And that she was too young, too naive and too frail. I don't know where they got the  
last part from because if they had really known her they would have seen it was as  
far from the truth as you can get.  
  
The other parts were harder to disagree with at first but both the people both me  
and Marie considered friends and family and more importantly myself got over that  
in time. It took some time but I think both Maries and my relationship not to mention  
the friendship towards the other grew stronger because of it.  
  
Anyway, just two years later down the road we got married. None of us were into that  
"A big marriage with all friends and family there" kinda stuff. It was a smaller affair  
with just us there really. A couple of more years later our kids were born. Tom was  
first and the year later Molly was born.  
  
Wonder where all the years went by? They're both grown up now and the friends from back  
then are all dead now. One or two in the line of duty before us mutants got accepted.  
The others of old age. Scott died as late as last year, but the X-men themselves had  
been disbanded for many years by then as you know. We were no longer needed.  
  
Anyway, if it hadn't been for Marie I don't think I would have stuck around in Westchester  
for all those years. The others helped in their way of making me feel like a human but  
she's the one that really helped me to bury Wolverine for good.  
  
That's why we left the team. I just wasn't a good fighter anymore when I was unable to dig  
into the darker sides of my personality. We also left the mansion but we were usually rather  
close by and went back for visits every now and then.  
  
But now that's over. And maybe now you can understand what that sentence on the gravestone  
means.  
  
"All that I am, I am because of you"  
  
She's gone but I will cherish her memory for as long as I live, no matter how many more  
years that may be. The years are beginning to catch up on me but I think I will still live  
for many more years. I still look like I've just turned 50 or so, despite that I looked  
like I was in my 30's when I met her. We were married for 60 years and somehow it doesn't  
seem right that I don't age and turn old in the same way as my friends and family do.  
But not much I can do about that. I just have to deal with it.  
  
That plus the fact that I'm the last of the X-men. The one that now says good-bye  
and walks into obscurity. For the rest of my life I want to live in anonymity so  
that's why I write this down instead of telling you in person, because I know that  
if I were to see you I wouldn't be able to walk away.  
  
I'm running away for one last time.  
  
I hope you won't hate me for this but it's something I have to do.  
  
Goodbye.  
  
Logan. 


End file.
